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DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
If you drink enough, your brain starts photo-shopping people.
I`m confused, oh wait, maybe I`m not.
My tricks aren`t for kids.
Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! -Librarians arguing
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
I wish I could google "things to eat in my fridge" so I wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed. ;)
lord, we beg you for tupac, and in return you can have justin bieber
I`m not crazy, but I am a carrier.
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
Pointing out the food you just dropped on the floor to your dog because you`re too lazy to clean it.
I am taking a shot for every “like” I get on this status. Then again, I’m taking shots whether you bastards like it or not.
A cop just pulled me over and said papers - so I said scissors, I win and drove off.
I never want to go to sleep less than I do at bed time.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.