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Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream "SHUT THE F*CK UP` out loud instead of just in my head.
real eyes realize real lies
I prefer to be crazy and happy rather than normal and bitter......
I`ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him the picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator: "Wtf Dude, you`re 23."
"I don`t care if you think it sounds gross, that`s what we`re calling it" -Guy who named the sweater.
All these people are talking about finding Jesus, finding love, finding themselves... I`m like I found 63 cents and four Fritos in the couch!
She looks like the kind of girl that brings a suitcase on the first date.
When in doubt, procrastinate.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: `last warning, you have a week to get the money together.`
The downside of being a bomb disposal technician. It takes 6 hours to open Christmas gifts.
"LSD causes users to lose weight" Obviously. You can`t eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge.
I didn’t get the job… heading home.. Good Bye Rome.. until we meet again.
God is pretty creative. I mean, look at me.
I want the drugs of the first guy who was like "DUDE, let`s carve a face into a pumpkin."
If I didn’t drink, how would my friends know I loved them at 2AM?