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Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other, it`s given me another reason to stare.
Sometimes I wish I could appear offline in real life too
I`m starting to think mosquitoes just land on our faces not to suck blood but to see how stupid we look when we slap ourselves.
Call me crazy, but I don`t think I really need to be in this mental institution.
Can someone else be a sex symbol today? ... My good T-shirt is still in the wash...
If I wasn`t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn`t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
I’ve never had angry sex. I’m always happy and quite surprised that it is actually happening.
Being a vegetarian is hard at first but after a month or so you get used to telling everyone you`re a vegetarian.
Sweetie, if your gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty!
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
My girlfriend told me I`m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman... What a joker!
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee`s you`re buying it off of sure can.
People often mistake me for being a good listener. The truth is, I really just don`t want to talk.
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"