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ALCOHOL - Because no good story ever started with someone drinking a glass of orange juice.
Gas prices are a lot like girls: We just wish they would go down.
If you see anything posted from me that involves something normal or appropriate, it is not me. I believe I`ve been hacked.
Memories of you make me look forward to alzheimers.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
I found out that middle age is were you finally get your head together and then your body starts falling apart
If you ever need nothing I am here for you.
The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence.
You actually have friends? Yeah bro, all 10 seasons on DVD.
Some people never go crazy...... What truly horrible lives they must live
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.
Beer: Giving you the courage to talk to women but taking away the ability to make sense.
I have finally conquered my annoying habit of repeatedly pressing the snooze button every morning by programming my alarm clock to play lullabies!
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you`re nuts.