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Financial status: I hope United Airlines drags me off my flight
I BRIEFLY had an urge to clean ... but that lasted only 5 minutes .. whew! That was close! Lol
In sign language, arthritis is a speech impediment.
After visiting the gov`t healthcare site, I don`t know why I was so worried about their ability to spy on me...
im like the government: i spend money on things that aren`t important, and spend most of my time trying to explain to people why i need them.
Spicy food is like BDSM for your mouth
Can someone else be a sex symbol today? ... My good T-shirt is still in the wash...
I`m so ghetto.... I had lights and water bill in my name before the age of 3..
The generation of today are so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of your eye but half the time there is anything in my eye its an eyelash!
Man, the first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
Behind every successful status update, there is a Ctrl C & Ctrl V
my girlfriend does that cute thing, where she doesnt exist.
My bedroom is perfect for a one night stand, but there’s no room for two night stands.
Dear small line of dirt that wont go in the dustpan… Screw you.