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Summer is here. I`m in the process of moving all my bad habits outside.
I`ve polished the mirror in the bathroom so much, you can see your face in it.
I laid awake all night again worrying about why I’m always so tired.
Something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow.
Always have a goal... Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
I love long legs.... Long sexy legs.....But not on a Spider, I hate long sexy legs on a Spider.
There is no better indication of how drunk you are than how loudly you declare that you`re not.
I’m sad when my food is over.
Nothing is more discouraging that unappreciated sarcasm.
“Shh.. Do you hear that?” “What? I heard nothing.” “Exactly, it’s the sound of no one caring.”
You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her
I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.
My wife said to go out and buy something that makes her look hot & sexy for Valentine`s Day! So I got drunk.
First Ebola case in USA , and the Walking Dead starts next week... brb gonna go buy a crossbow.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?