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You`re uglier than..... well, you`re the example.
A wireless bra? They weren`t tricky enough, now I need a password?
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why didn`t you text me? I`ll never call you back. Like, ever. You`d have better luck with a telegram.
18 is TOO young to get married! You can`t even buy booze at 18! If you can`t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Funny how drinking 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers, and 6 shots, go down like a fat kid on a see-saw.
Your mobile phone has more computing power than all of NASA in 1969. NASA launched a man to the moon. ...We launch a bird into pigs!
Never take advice from me, you`ll only end up drunk......
Being a pizza delivery driver is great because literally no one is disappointed to see you
Just bought me a medical alert bracelet that says... "probably just sh!tfaced"
I think sharks eat people just to be on tv.
I`m starting to get that "f*ck it" attitude about everything..
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom’s bedroom. I can’t believe it.. She’s a superhero!
I was born to be happy… not normal.
According to my current parking spot I`m a physician.