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that awkward moment when you`re scuba diving and you see Adele rolling in the deep.
if there wasn´t a last minute I´d never get anything done.
Attention!! Today I am traveling back in time to right some wrongs in this world. You will know I succeeded if the Germans lost WW2 and that Thursday comes before Wednesday.
If you are naughty go to your room, if you wanna be naughty go to mine :)
Must you really ask why I have my selfie on top of my Christmas tree?
Holy sh!t! I just opened a bag of cheddar and sour cream Ruffles and one of the chips was plain. This is a sign, man. God is going to smite all of us f*ckers with his wrath and send us to all to burn in the eternal flames of... Sorry. Just one side of the chip was plain. Carry on.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions Note to self...avoid good intentions at all costs.
I don`t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work... There`s never any left when he comes home.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don`t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
If you ever get a flat tire, take a picture of it on your phone so for future reference you can use it as a valid excuse.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I`m pretty sure she`ll figure out that I`m just after my money
The best part about being over 40 is we did most of our stupid stuff before the internet.
I feel like I would enjoy getting out of bed more if I only had to do it like 3 times a week. This every day thing is overkill.
Im still waiting for Anheuser-Bush to name a beer "responsibly" so i can drink it!
If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?