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If today drags anymore, it`s going to come out of the closet in a sexy little dress
Always look out for #1. Don´t step in #2 either.
Sometimes it’s the little victories, like depositing a dollar to avoid overdraw fees that make me feel like a responsible adult.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out...you have issues bro
If you stop at a yellow light I`m going to assume you have something illegal in your car.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two.
Why do people ask “What the hell were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God...just texted her and said "I saw that"
Time flies when you`re throwing watches.
props to the parent at the mall that walked up afterward to ask santa what his kid wanted lol
Dudes get one chest or arm tattoo and suddenly forget to wear shirts.
I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.
In honor of this years` Super Bowl participants respective States of residence, they`ve changed kickoff to 4:20 Eastern Standard time.
Sex Is Like Math: Add The Bed, Subtract The Clothes, Divide The Legs, And Pray To God You Don`t Multiply!
Apparently I`d rather debate in my mind whether or not to get up and pee than sleep.