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I miss being able to use the excuse "I wasn`t home when you called."
Probably the most exciting feature on the new Iphone is the way it upgrades simple phone theft into full on finger removal.
What happens on online stays online, forever and ever.
“I’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “I`m telling mom”
Why do the people with the most annoying voices always appear to have the worst case of verbal diarrheal??!!
I`m late on the give thanks every day in November thing... so let me catch up. Days 1-22. I`m thankful for boobs
I’m eating just in case I get hungry later
Sometimes, talking to a woman requires a translator.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain realizes what I`m doing.
I hate taking down Christmas decorations just to put up Halloween decorations...
i got a dig bick..........how many read that wrong
If you`ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven... then you`ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
I`m so good, I scream my own name out during sex.
If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?
I like to listen to mexican radio but I dont know what they are singing or saying so I just pretend they are singing about how awesome I am.