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Please don`t hastag out loud...
I walked into a bar in my pirate suit and a ships wheel in my pants.... The bartender asked... "Why do you have a wheel in your pants"? I replied "Argh.. it`s driving me nuts".
Forecast for today: Unproductive with a chance of a late drinking session.
I don`t like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
From what I can gather, men hit their sexual peak around age 18. And women hit theirs as soon as the divorce is final.
Pretty much the only time I want to hear about your ex is if she`s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I`m good.
Statistically, I`ve come to the conclusion that I`m going to hell in multiple religions.
You heard me right. I said:"Lets agree to disagree." It`s much more polite than:"Whatever, bitch."
All true wisdom is found on T-Shirts.
I made this margarita with my kids` slushie machine ... Don`t judge
who`s smart idea wus it to name a monkey Donkey Kong??
If you still can read this, please inform me ASAP because I have probably blocked the wrong person!
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She`s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don`t negotiate with terrorists!!
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
I get more cleaning done in the ten minutes before someone comes over than I do in a week.