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The best revenge is happiness, because nothing drives people more crazy then seeing someone actually having a good life.
At a four way stop, it`s obvious that the vehicle bearing the most duct tape goes first.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Just once I`d like someone to call me "sir" without having to add "you need to calm down or we`re going to have to ask you to leave"
You can test my patience all you want, but Iām never going to pass.
Guns don`t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
A recent survey of one person reveals that 100% of me thinks I should leave work early.
A word to the wise isn`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said "Good afternoon folks" they will let you take their order.
You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.
I have no idea how I use to get around in the dark before I had a cell phone.
If it lasts 4 hours I`m not only callin a Dr, I`m callin everybody!!
Me: You`re the prettiest girl I`ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you`re smart too, I like that.
Don`t sweat the petty things and don`t pet the sweaty things.
People always ask me, where do I come up with my status`, do I make them up, or do I get them from the internet.. Truth is people. I use Status Enhancing Drugs.