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I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff,,, followed by disappointment.
The worst time to need to sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
My wife’s new cooking show will be called, "Do you smell Something Burning?"
The iPhone 5S: Because the NSA wants your thumbprint now too.
If the wicked witch of the west melts in water ... How did she bathe?
There just isn`t enough make-up in this world to cover up crazy.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth`s equator, most of them would drown.
The toughest thing in business is minding your own.
I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.
They say you`ve got to spend money to make money. Feel like there`s some middle step I`ve been missing?
Insanity does not run in my family. It strolls through, taking it`s time and getting to know each one of us personally.
You know you had an awesome night when you need sunglasses to get food out the fridge.
Black Friday at my house consist of pants 100% off
I would love to kill you with kindness, but all I have is this knife.
Only 3 more days until millions of people join the gym for a week.