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Today is different because after you lie to someone, you tell them you were lying.
*Financial Status* Just rinsed off a paper plate...
Who needs a social life when you have Netflix and a fridge full of food?
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I`m hoping that she`s having an affair.
I`ve been told my posts are too depressing but what does it matter. We`ll all be dead soon anyway.
Adulthood is like losing your mom in the grocery store for the rest of your life.
Seagull Manager; Someone who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everyone and then leaves.
I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my mother in law who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, bldg C, Apt 32 on the 3rd floor.
The key to eating healthy is to avoid any food that has a TV commercial.
Wish some of my co workers weren`t allowed in the break room... Because that`s who I usually need a break from.
With great power comes a great electricity bill.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it`s Santa Claus!" so I don`t have to get up.
You know why it`s called almond milk? Cuz you can`t say nut juice with a straight face
It usually only takes about five minutes into any conversation Iām having before people start shaking their head and quoting the bible.