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I love the show Gotham....OBSESSED!!! But they constantly have the Twitter hashtag #gotham in the corner of the screen, and I`m always thinking..."No I don`t have ham! But I want ham." Sometimes I miss parts of the showing thinking about the fact that I don`t have ham..... Obviously I need to have ham on the menu every Monday night. #noidontgotham
Right before I die, my last words will be, "I left a million dollars in the........
I spend more time looking in the fridge than I actually do eating.
Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
I think, therefore i`m single.
If I haven`t offended you, just scroll thru my timeline. It`s in there.
A recent survey has shown that 50% of all newlyweds want to try anal sex. Or to put it another way, 100% of grooms.
My plan for today? Same as always: Drink coffee and be sexy.
Zoning out is your brain’s way of saying “You look bored. Let me take you to a better place.”
I`m a compulsive liar. Every thing I say is a lie. And that`s the truth.
Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.
people say that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but it`s the only way I can talk to you.
popsicle sticks: $1. caramel: $3. onion: $1. watching ur kid bite into a caramel onion thinking its an apple: priceless.
My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he`s a lamp...what does he know....
A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $50.