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The pollen is so bad this year that the people in the trailer parks are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.
My life`s paradox: I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
From now on when skinny girls say they`re fat I`m just gonna be like, "Yup" & walk away.
Do you think retailers in Colorado have seen an increase in the sales of Easy Bake ovens and Brownie mix?
I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get...well you know...Oreos.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Guys if you ever want to imagine what a woman’s mind feels like imagine a browser with 2,859 tabs open. All. The. F*cking. Time.
The older I get, the more I enjoy being bored.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years? Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
Admit it, you have that one voice that you only use on animals and babies.
Most people don’t act stupid – it’s the real thing.
Setting an alarm is how we ruin days that haven`t even started yet.
Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it`s none of my damn business.