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Just because you think it`s a bad idea doesn`t mean we won`t have a good time.
"What did you do today?" "I text messaged." :)
That moment when you run into a spider web and suddenly become a karate master.
What are nuts on a wall? Walnuts. What are nuts on the chest? Chestnuts. What are nuts against a chin? Blow job.
"There`s strength in numbers" I whisper to my 9th slice of pizza.
If you can´t read this, you´re illiterate.
Been coughing all night & day, can`t seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah`s ark.
Neighbors at it again. I do NOT want to know the words to "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus!
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
A "Tap Out" sticker on your mini van still makes it a mini van.
When you think about how big the Earth is, then how small it is compared to the Sun, and how the Sun is just a speck of dust in the universe, it`s easy to justify eating an entire chocolate cake.
The worst part of owning an invisibility cloak is trying to remember where you hung it up.
"I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.
Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful.