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When you wish upon a shooting star, all your dreams will come true. Unless the star is really a meteor about to destroy the earth. Then, you´re pretty much dead no matter what you wish for.
Nothing is as scary as logging into Facebook and seeing someone you were secretly with last night has uploaded a new album.
The recipe I am making says to chill for 30 minutes so I`m sitting back and having a margarita!
How do I tell a man he loves me?
My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.
I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It’s obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.
No one`s going to do it for you. It`s up to you, to make naps a priority in your life.
Some people want a perfect relationship. I just want a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in commercials.
When I see something funny on the internet, I don’t usually laugh. I just blow more air out of my nose than usual.
If idiots could fly this place would be an airport.
Did you know dryer sheets double as toilet paper and leave your a$$ smelling like meadows and rain drops?
Divorce is what happens when two people win an argument.
If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, they would be your fed ex.
As long as I remind myself "The b!tch had it coming" is not a valid court defense, I`ll be ok
During the holidays people have to make a choice between enjoying the holidays or spending it with the relatives.