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Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.
When pornstars get up to speak in front of a large group, do they picture people with their clothes on?
My life is like a romantic comedy expect there’s no romance and it’s just me laughing at my own jokes
My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I`ve only got 40 lbs to go.
Make a random stranger`s day by walking up to them and saying "This isn`t real. You have to wake up"
life is too short to think twice and act wise....
If I don`t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Multitasking? I’m not even good at unitasking.
My friend said "hey that girl has a nice butt" I said "yes i bet she can sit down excellently "
I can`t believe that it`s the year 2012, and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
I`m not perfect, but I`m the best me there is or ever will be.
You think having periods is hard? ... Try being on a 24 hour killstreak on Call of Duty with itchy balls.
Who ever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard!
I doubt my inferiority complex is as good as everyone else`s
I wanna lie on the floor and not think for a month or two.