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is on a Mission. The magic leprechaun told me to follow the pink racehorse to the rainbow where the orange elephant is holding my skittles hostage
It must be really hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest because I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Why do people with really bad breath always want to tell you secrets?
I want my next girl to be crazy but more "Lets have sex in public" crazy rather than "I throw hot coffee in your face" crazy.
Whenever someone tries to get too friendly with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to remind them of where we stand.
I`ll do a lot of things for money, but I draw the line at working...
Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine
Joggers always give each other a little nod when they pass, just like fat guys in a buffet line.
If you use more toilet paper to wipe the tears out of your eyes then wip your bum in the morning...the food was too hot the night before
There’s always that last setting on your windshield wipers that makes you go “damn, calm the f*ck down!”
My version of flirting is looking at someone attractive multiple times while hoping they are more brave than I am.
Well after 6 months of my girlfriend nagging, I finally did it, I lost 120lbs ... I`m sure gonna miss her.
When blondes have more fun do they know it?
I don`t run away from my problems. That`s immature. I ignore them.
If time does not wait for you, don’t worry. Just remove the battery from the clock and enjoy life.