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I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
You health nuts are gonna feel real stupid when you`re laying in the hospital dying of nothing.
A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn`t answer the phone.
Parallel lines have so much in common, it`s a shame they`ll never meet
Ladies, how do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket? Quick, she`s coming.
The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you´re on.
You make me want to be a drunker person
Happy Elastic Waistband Day
Whoever snuck the s in “fast food” is a clever person.
If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
There`s this cool trick I do where I post whatever the f*ck I want becasue this is my account, not yours.
Ever noticed how fast people walk across the road when you don`t apply the brakes
How do we not have lightsabers yet? Its like scientists aren´t even trying.
Iam not as THINK as you DRUNK iam!!
If you read my entire Facebook timeline from the beginning, you can witness my descent into madness