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Is going to bed! Hopefully the Cleaning Fairies will come and clean my house tonight! Wishful Dreaming i guess!
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Facebook looks so boring on the outside, but once you start using it, its like NARNIA BRO!
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me....then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Married people always ask when you’re getting married like they get points for recruiting to their club of misery.
"Go left at the chopsticks in the road" - Chinese directions
Thanks for the free weekend offer E-Harmony but my wife said I can`t use it.
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
Horoscopes: When you don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend to blame for your failures, try the solar system
take it easy and if it is easy take it home
Just witnessed kids playing tag. What is this world coming to? Do their parents know they are outside, interacting, and getting exercise?
I love facebook because it helps me remember what I did the night before when I blacked out.
Facebook should have an "I`ve seen enough" button.
My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn`t have sex.
I wouldn`t do much for a Klondike Bar; I would however get naked for beer.