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If it weren’t for law enforcement and physics, I would be unstoppable.
Is that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your filthy bathroom?
Drive-Thru Workers: The longer you make me wait in line, the more change will be used for my payment...
Yes, I realize I’m leaving early. But don’t forget, I also came in late.
My mom always said that I`d never find a man dumb enough to marry me. Well, I showed her...
So I was looking at my boyfriends facebook page and saw a ton of girls saying they love him. He`s obviously cheating on me. We are so over Zac Efron.
My therapist says I have imposter syndrome. But come on, I`m not good enough to have something fancy like that.
If you are offended by the opinions I express you can only imagine the ones I keep to myself.
I quit my job with the Dept of Corrections. That place was like a prison...
Sometimes I can’t remember what parking lot I left my car in at the mall so I get it Malaysia Airlines…I totally get it.
I hate it when I`m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
I`m so deep in the friendzone that I`ve met her boyfriends parents
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly. Men are like bacon because we`re pigs.
"I love you unconditionally*." -God *certain terms and conditions apply. See Bible for more details.
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true!