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Can`t wait to be full of Christmas beer! I mean cheer. No, I definitely mean beer.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don`t want to do.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
You’re probably naked under all those clothes. You slut.
That awkward moment for a guy when he`s at a urinal stall and another guy takes the stall right next to him when there`s plenty of other perfectly good stalls farther away..
I know you`re the instructor but I`ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
You know what’s funny? Lot’s of sh!t. Loosen up already.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
I don`t live paycheck to paycheck. I live paycheck to four days before paycheck...
Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write for people and pray they cash them at the teller.
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be "doesn`t know how to follow directions."
My grandparents still use encyclopedias to google stuff.
I`m 0-9 on finding secret rooms behind bookcases.
Fitness? More like fitness whole cheesecake in my mouth.
My new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone`s having a party