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I spend too much money on food to afford any diet program...
I just found out people are playing golf online. And I thought my life sucked!
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn`t attend.
Turns out Xenophobia is not `A fear of Warrior Princesses`
It`s amazing how we are very good lawyers for our own mistakes and very good Judges for other people`s mistakes.
Where did Noah keep his bees? ... In the ark hives ... Yes, I`m showing myself out, thanks
Just so you know, I am already planning on being an a$$hole tomorrow.
Hooray ! My face book film has been nominated for an Academy Award
Do strippers have nightmares where they are in front of a large crowd with their clothes on?
if your looking for love sorry to disappoint you im already in a relationship with fun and freedom. :-)
I noticed tonight that I was the hottest cashier at the self checkout line.
Why don`t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Studies show it’s totally okay for me to just say “studies show” in front of whatever I want to say.
Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.