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OH NO !,,,,,,,,, I just realized I can`t stop calling the addiction hotline....
Little to no thought was put into this status.
I wrote a song about a tortilla actually its more of a wrap.
When I become president I will make Monday a part of the weekend.
they say there`s love in every corner....gosh I think I`m moving in circles
Your selfie would be way better if you weren`t in it.
My phone is covered in cupcake frosting and dried ice cream, in case you were wondering how my life is going.
Pick a woman with wits. Wits will never sag.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS? EUROPE: How can we save our economy? AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
If a lesbian c*ckblocks another lesbian, is that considered a beaver dam?
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this “I know your high” look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
The way my dog acts, you`d think his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Made the decision that I`m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.