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How to find the perfect husband: Play monopoly with him. if he chooses the iron, he`s the one
Who do Walmart shoppers make fun of?
People always get so excited about the next generation iPhone but no one has caught up with the awesome technology that`s called a Turn Signal.
I can`t wait for a empty Christmas wrapping paper tube to bonk someone over the head with!
I totally tricked this woman into sleeping with me. All I had to do was put a ring on her finger and live with her for the rest of my life.
After months of uninterrupted analysis, I am now prepared to conclude that, indeed, my laundry is not going to fold itself.
Am I the only one that always puts my wallet back into my pocket before getting my change back?
I`m not drunk ... But I`m working on it.
You call it multiple personality disorder... I call it being mayor of the little town in my head!
BEFORE I GET DRUNK, NAKED,THROWN IN JAIL AND LOOSE MY DAMN PHONE. *HAPPY NEW YEAR.
I`m too lazy to ever write a biography. Story of my life.
I bet you can`t keep the funny and not funny the same number.
"I`ve had so much coffee, I got halfway to work and realized I forgot my car."
My method of going "offline" in FB chat is to just ignore you.
People think I`m a hugger, but I`m actually shaking them down for snacks.