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Oh no! I have to enter my date of birth to view this explicit content! Damn this internet security!
I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
I don`t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
"I just launched a new fragrance!" - a great way to announce a fart
Today is the first day of the rest of your life, but so was yesterday, and look how that turned out...
Why is it called stealing when your WIFI is trespassing in my house?
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn’t seem so bad now.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the "Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down" warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Lord, it`s me... Can you close your eyes for a couple minutes while I deal with a slight problem?
I`m always on the verge of running three miles, or drinking a bottle of Vodka
Bitch, you`re just like monday, nobody likes you -_-
Tupperware is so handy for those times when you feel like throwing out your food another day.
Never trust a married guys opinion of who’s hot. It’s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
Telling me to calm down is the easiest way to get me to tell you to go f*ck yourself.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!