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I`d better check my phone for texts from friends. *checks phone* Well, I`d better get some friends...
R2-D2 from Star Wars, still holds the record for most curse words in a movie.
My body keeps doing these muscle twitches like it wants me to get off this couch and move around. HAHAHAHA. As if.
wassup pips! :-) no i don`t mean you guys pip, get it? piping?? haaahaaa... looks like i`m the only one laughing right? well it sounded funnier in my head (-_-)
I think today I`m going to cut off the sleeves of my snuggie and walk around the neighborhood pretending I`m in a Clint Eastwood western movie.
The wet spot in my bed is tears
I’m glad people can’t see how I have them saved in my phone. Contact names like, “Don’t Answer” and “Douchebag” and “Owes me $100".
Do you think Santa regrets giving all those bad kids coal now that global warming is threatening his home?
People who have more than 10 items in the express line… We see you and we are judging you.
I wasn`t that drunk! "Bro, you went to the train station, smashed yourself against the wall, while yelling, Hogwarts here I come!"
Now that I know how many calories there are in a pint of beer , I have decided to stop eating.
It seems like the ‘L’ in my luck has been replaced with an ‘F’.
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they`re born AND after they`re dead.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Good thing I got a college degree I think as I put away the kid toys for the 49 billionth time