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When they discover the center of the universe, alot of people will be shocked they`re not in it.
My fantasy is having two women at once...One Cooking, One Cleaning.
I asked my girlfriend if she was ok with me buying her a ring. She said "nothing would make me happier!" So I got her nothing.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
*Gets absolutely nothing done*… Welp time for a break.
Stapling water to a tree is easier than controlling your laughter at serious times.
Learn cursive, they said. You`ll need it your whole life, they said.
John has 35 candy bars. If John eats 27 of them what does he have? .... Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Just once would I like to see the "Phone a Friend" lifeline on Millionaire go straight to voicemail.
Before you judge me, know that I don`t give a crap. Ok, go ahead.
Me blacking out when I`m drunk is God`s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
It`s normally a combination of things that cause bad decisions. The tequila, lime, salt combination is the most common.
I guess I need to buy some new drink coasters because I finally ran out of AOL free trial CDs.
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening
I`m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.