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I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.
twinkle twinkle little star ... point me to the nearest bar.
If someone says you used too much butter or cheese on something, stop talking to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
I can`t believe that it`s almost the year 2014 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it.
Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
Revenge is not in my plans. You`ll f*ck yourself on your own.
One out of every 4 Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they´re okay, then it´s you.
Every day I struggle between “I wanna look good naked” and “treat yourself.”
I`m losing my mind, but as long as I keep the part that tells me when I gotta pee, I should be OK
im so hungry, im farting fresh air
TIP: If cars are passing you on the highway in the LEFT lane, GET THE HELL OUT OF THE RIGHT LANE!
I noticed you’re not yourself today. I really like it.
If Santa’s helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?