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Finally did it. 25 inflatable mattresses later and I’ve finally turned my apartment into a bounce castle.
I just ran 3.5 miles in 30 minutes! Ha! Just kidding, I ate some ice cream.
This complimentary lemonade at the doctor`s office tastes funny.
THESE NACHOS ARE THE BOMB! …..and that’s how I got my nachos taken away at the airport.
Dear Costumer Service: I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to you?
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk. I`m in whey over my head.
It was so cold that when we milk the cows we got ice cream.
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
times new roman walks into a bar. "sorry, we don`t serve your type."
I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.
My haters only have one advantage over me. They can kiss my a$$, I can`t.
I wish I had Dora`s mom and dad, they let that girl go everywhere.
Procrastination: when "make a bucket list" is on your bucket list.
Twitter is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.