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cable TV.... helping us avoid Presidential speeches for nearly four decades
I want my next girl to be crazy but more "Lets have sex in public" crazy rather than "I throw hot coffee in your face" crazy.
MISSED CONNECTION: I gave you the Heimlich maneuver on Maine St. You insisted you weren’t choking and put up a good fight.
If I was a Jedi there is a 100% chance that I would use the Force inappropriately.
I’m mad, but not as mad as someone asking to see the rules in the middle of a monopoly game.
$5.99 Trojan condoms or $19.99 Huggies diapers. Choose wisely...
So many Jehovah`s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah`s Evidence.
This status has been censored by Facebook
If money can’t buy happiness explain pizza.
I hate it when auto-correct changes my "omg" to "OMG" like, chill out, I`m not that surprised.
If I were a pilot I would scream “WE’RE GOING DOWN” every time I landed the plane.
The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread
I can paint the house and buy new furniture and my kids won`t notice, but, buy a new phone case...
I`m Dave, or as the ladies like to call me... "Hey, you! Behind the bushes!"
It`s the little things in life that count, like pills.