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Coffee – because most people frown on alcohol first thing in the morning.
Of all the bands named after handicapped jungle animals, Def Leppard is my favorite.
I just realized that if we drink enough wine, the adult`s table will become the kid`s table.
I do 5 situps every morning. I know it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times one can hit the "snooze" button......
Know the rules well so you can break them effectively.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.
I just read that burglars use Facebook to see when people aren’t home. So from now on, I’m at home. With a rifle. And a hungry crocodile.
That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there`s no milk. So you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?
I`m too lazy to ever write a biography. Story of my life.
Going to a bar where "everybody knows your name" sounds terrifying.
Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It`s like a tattoo that yells at you.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work. I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
It takes patience to listen.., it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you’re ignorant and make bad decisions.
I lost my ladder when I was very young but I was fortunate to have such a great step-ladder to raise me ...anytime I couldn`t reach anything