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I hope Mexico doesn`t raise the cost of Tequila to pay for this wall.
Kiss me I`m Irish, put a little tongue in it, I`m French too
Black Friday is the second closest thing to a zombie apocalypse except they want sales instead of brains.
With everything going on lately... I`ve got a lot of serious thinking to do! Oops....Did I say "Thinking".... I meant "Drinking"!!
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It`s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
If you never set it, you always have the excuse, "I overslept because the alarm didn`t go off."
I really hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
I really thought 2015 had potential to be “my year” but we’re 2 months in and that ship has sailed so I’ll try again for 2016.
Looking back, it was a good thing I was too wasted to fire up the chainsaw.
I think today I`m going to cut off the sleeves of my snuggie and walk around the neighborhood pretending I`m in a Clint Eastwood western movie.
The hay in baby Jesus`s manger came from Christian Bales.
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, can you put it back in and let go? I`m going to need a quick answer for this....
Sometime you have to hand it to short people ... because they can`t reach.
My last request: At my funeral, someone come up at the end and padlock my coffin shut, just to freak everyone out.
I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.