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Boobs are a lot like train sets, they were meant for kids, but dad always ends up wanting to play with them.
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, eventually there will be a country song about how your truck left you too.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. "You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic"
I hate people that take drugs, specially U.S. Customs and the D.E.A.
Yes, I realize I’m leaving early. But don’t forget, I also came in late.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste and texture of pizza.
Shout out to weathermen telling us the barometric pressure like we know what the hell to do with that information.
You know you`re old when all of the bands you listened to growing up have several greatest hits albums.
If kindness really kills, you`ll always be completely safe around me.
I’m drinking while I work out…I call it Bacardio.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Most days the best thing about my job is that my chair spins
Holiday Tip #236: When hosting a covered dish holiday dinner where everyone brings something, never put a skinny person in charge of desserts.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the adult version of hiding your report card from your parents.
I`ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I`m actually talking to someone.