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I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"
Enough with the lies, people who drink decaf coffee, tell us what your game plan is.
Things I`ve learned: There`s no cool way to chase after a bouncing ping-pong ball.
Note to self... next time my wife asks what`s on tv, don`t say dust
If Candy Crush had a face, I`d punch it.
A gentle reminder about Daylight Savings Time: If you thought last Monday sucked, this one will prove to be much, much worse.
Live life to its fullest even if that means eating everything in the fridge
My secret fantasy is to have two women at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.
I`m so pissed right now! I`m about to open a can of... Wait…WTF??!! Since when did they start putting child-proof lids on the cans of whoop-ass? A little help please...
I hear boomerangs are making a comeback.
There`s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you`re blowing up a rubber glove.
Make Monday More Fun: Unplug the copier at work and put a sign on it that says “Now Voice Activated!” Sit back and watch the magic unfold..
I stopped watching the History Channel because it`s so outdated.
If you think your girlfriend has a great sense if humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes.
I fake my lol`s