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I`m old enough to remember when cell phones actually got smaller every year.
Such a relief when things I`ve been meaning to do become things I meant to do but now it`s too late.
Remember when there was more important crap to do besides Facebook all day? Me neither.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Don`t give me a sec, give me lots of secs.
I got this weird condition where I drink a case of beer and fall down.
There is no evidence that exists that life should be taken seriously.
When you realize that your car matches the one in the Amber Alert.
There are two reasons I would never drink toilet water. Number 1 and number 2.
The only instant messaging I enjoy is with my middle finger.
If you ever come over unannounced, it`ll take me at least three minutes to answer the door because there is no way I was already wearing pants.
Women want a lot of things from one man. Conversely, men want one thing from a lot of women.
They`re all cop cars when you`re this high.
A Shout Out to all the beautiful women who don`t need to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.
The squirrels must be gathering nuts. Three of my neighbors have disappeared.