Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
My wife’s new cooking show will be called, "Do you smell Something Burning?"
My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
Don`t exercise ... fat people are harder to kidnap
Momma left strict instructions to knock you out.
The number one key to a successful marriage is alcoholism.
Its not you, it`s how you don`t make me sandwiches.
Sorry, I didn`t get your text...Just kidding, I ignored that sh!t.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That`s where I come in.
My door bell is a recording of a shotgun being racked.
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like “tiny doll feet scampering into the closet” because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that
Being an adult is a lot like going to the vet. We`re all excited for the ride until we realize what it`s like where we`re going.
There would be a lot less people willing to run for public office if the losers were required to pick up all the lawn signs afterwards.
I`m 99% sure you think I`m weird. And I`m 100% sure I don`t care.
Halloween is great because kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Cheered myself up earlier by putting a "no U-turn" sign in a dead-end street.