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Sometimes I speak in a different font but no one ever notices.
Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
You will never be happier than a girl who just discovered her dress has pockets.
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, `13...13....13...13.` The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting. `14...14...14...14....
My Hamster passed today, he fell asleep at the wheel.
Dear Santa: I have been good for the past week or so. Lets just focus on that.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
It`s almost 2014, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it`s up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with!!
If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food. :)
Dear Autocorrect, She`s an amazing woman not an amazon woman. Thanks. And now I`m never getting laid.
A woman’s anger is like a check engine light; there’s no pleasant way to determine what caused it, so just ignore it and hope it goes away.
Why does the person who snores always fall asleep first?