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Nothing shuts my pie hole more than an actual pie.
If sex is said to be the best exercise, than why are there no fitness clubs for that. Now there`s idea. . .
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you’ll get what you want.
I just realized there are more toes in the world than people
Doing word problems as a kid has helped me in adulthood. "Dan doesn`t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?"
I’m still waiting for the episode of Storage Wars where there’s a homeless guy living in the unit.
Sometimes it looks like I’m flashing gang signs, but really I’m just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.
I don’t even know what I don’t know.
Let`s be honest... Gay Divorce Court would be the best thing to happen to daytime TV in the history of ever.
Someone tore off my warning label when I was born.
Like a good neighbor, stay over there
Saying a prayer for all the turkeys today. Also the single people with concerned relatives.
I paid My 11 year old $10 to do the dishes, then on her way to the bathroom I mugged her...because, you know, life lesson.
Some questions just answer themselves. Like, sit-ups or pizza?
I don`t know karate, but I do know crazy, and I`m not afraid to use it.