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You can never read a doctor`s prescription, but you can sure read his bill
Maybe vodka is addicted to me
Whoever is in charge of making sure I don´t do dumb stuff is fired.
I really like it when women check me out, they seem to be able to work the register a lot better than men.
We`re all mature until someone pulls out bubble wrap.
I remember when the internet was two tin cans and a string.
I only use elevators for one thing. Surprise group hugs
I don`t care if its a scam! Just the fact that the Prince of Nigeria sends me personal email makes me feel special!
Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you`re in Starbucks.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
mermaids swim by twerking do you ever just think about that
You don`t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, and you take all the covers with you.
Our swear jar is always empty because of all the god damn foul mouthed thieves that live in this f*cking house.
Honking your horn is fun but rolling down your window and screaming “honk” at people is just way more satisfying.
I get my: Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It`s people I don`t trust.