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I`ve done a lot of things over the years ... But acting normal has never been one of them.
99% sure my soulmate is a piece of pizza.
If abortion is murder then are condoms kidnapping?
Apparently sleeping your way to the top doesn`t mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.
Once your pants catch fire, the fact that you`re lying becomes less important.
I prefer to be crazy and happy rather than normal and bitter......
Is it bad that "WINE" is always on my grocery list? At the top? In all caps?
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they take things so literally.
Why haven’t we just found someone ballsy enough to dress up as Mrs Bigfoot and catch him already?
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren`t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
You know when I was younger I was under the impression that quick sand was going to be a serious issue in life...
is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep
Champagne says I`m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
We got an extra day this year. Why did it have to be a Monday?
`Google`` must be a woman, because it knows everything.