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Today I think I`ll go to a public restroom and wait until someone leaves, then click your stopwatch and write something down in a notebook.
Texting typos can change your life. "Having a great time wish you were her"
My life is like a romantic comedy expect there’s no romance and it’s just me laughing at my own jokes
"Everybody freeze!" -December
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Today I found a penny. It reminded me of you. Worthless & found in everybody`s pants.
Paint thinner? I call bullsh!t. I been painting myself with it all week and I`m still fat.
I like to walk around the house naked. Until the cops chase me back inside.
There are 2 types of people in this world, those who press “door close” in the elevator before others can jump on & those who are liars.
I went for a 6 mile run tonight. The police are getting in much better shape these days.
My life is the intersection between having too much caffeine and constantly yawning.
If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes.
just watched my first full episode of jersey shore... #ashamed of new entertainment
If it`s true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?
I get paid to be nice at work. Not sure why my family and friends expect that for free.