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Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered...WAS I drunk the whole time?
People assume I’m smart when they see my glasses case. Then they see that I use it to store a Snickers bar and they recognize my true genius.
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
I’m giving up on the silent treatment. ...Going to start talking to myself again.
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit?
No one ever reads the rules of Monopoly unless an argument breaks out.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment
I like long walks on the beach and drives through Taco Bells drive-thru.
So impolite of people to sneak up on you while you’re talking sh!t about them.
Not now, I`m busy bringing shame to my family on the internet.
This status has been censored by Facebook
I`ve got a Tootsie Pop and seven hours until the aviary notices their Spotted Owl is missing. Let`s do this!
Every day is just a new opportunity to eat pizza.
Did you know dryer sheets double as toilet paper and leave your a$$ smelling like meadows and rain drops?
I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of 4 instead of just me