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life is unfair theres 6 days between monday and sunday but only 1 between sunday and monday
Snakes are terrifying because they can`t trip and fall over sh!t. No creature should possess such power.
A guy outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I told him, I feel like it would take longer than that
I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
Never let a medical procedure scare you. That`s what the bill is for.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.
You know you`re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I`m available.
The Three Up`s in life: 1. Show 2. Keep 3. Shut
My doctor said I need to workout with dumb-bells. Would any of you like to go jogging with me?
I put on real clothes today. What more do you want from me?
Yes, I used to "dance like no one is watching"; at least until Google Earth sent me a certificate for ten free lessons.
So your baby doesn`t know any tricks at all?
going to mcdonalds for a salad is like going to a brothel for a hug