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You just don`t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
Fighting is bad. Breaking up a fight between a douchebag and the bar owner is good. Thank God I`m a ninja.
I`ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
"Probiotic" sounds a lot better than "bacteria infested"
A good office manager never let`s you run out of ink, paper or vodka
People I hate are not allowed to be funny.
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
When I see a hot girl walking by, I like to look at her and blink very fast and repeatedly so it looks like shes walking in slow motion. Everything is better in slow motion =)
I forget, how much tequila goes in mashed potatoes? Now that`s funny, I don`t care who you are. Oh, don`t copy that part. I mean this part. Oh hell!! Your going to copy and paste the whole thing anyway ;)
I can’t tell if I’m hungry, but better eat just in case.
A "Tap Out" sticker on your mini van still makes it a mini van.
Bands who can`t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
If your day was that bad, why do you assume we want to know about it?
Whenever you`re powerless, remember: A single one of your pubic hairs can shut down a restaurant.
Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.