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Eventually I will find Bigfoot and he will tell me all he knows about Hide & Seek.
If it requires pants, its not happening today.
Me: "The only person I need in my life is you." Bartender: "Please stop trying to hold my hand."
When people with multiple personality disorders are about to die, whose life flashes before their eyes?
just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream
Today is Friday the 13th. Try not to be a teenage girl in her underwear at night at a deserted summer camp today.
I am so thankful and grateful that out of all the planets in the universe, we live on one with pizza and vodka.
I spend more time looking in the fridge than I actually do eating.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim.
No one`s lazier than the guy who came up with the name for Juicy Juice.
I couldn`t be on a reality show because I wouldn`t want my mom to see how many times I make the jerk-off motion when we talk on the phone
Does "who cares" count as advice?
Drinking Game: Tape a fake mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.
I like going into McDonald`s and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.