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I have an inferiority complex, but it`s not a very good one.
The 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work if you have a 2 second dog.
If its so great outside why do bugs try to get in my f*cking house?
I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
Just belted the dog in the drivers seat and pushed the car up to the drive-thru window
Bless me Father for I hit send.
That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.
The only charities I`ve donated money too recently are covered in glitter and dance to bad music.
I gave my cat 7up, now it has 16 lives
Sometimes one middle finger isn`t enough to let someone know how you feel. That`s why we have two hands.
Global warming is now thought to be a leading cause of documentaries.
I walked briskly with scissors today. I’m pretty wild.
Put your gossiping skills to the test, go write a novel...
I say the things better left unsaid.
Just saw the previews for the movie Taken 3, you would think by now he would`ve gave his daughter self-defense and gun lessons?