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Love your neighbor ... but don`t get caught.
Going on a dangerous assignment. If I don`t come back, can someone please tell my girlfriend that I always found her laugh really annoying. Thanks.
When life gets you down, just remember: It’s never too early or too late for a nap.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
A new study says schizophrenia and pot smoking are genetically linked — but don`t worry, another study says you`re just being paranoid.
Dinosaurs never had pizza and they all died.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
My love is like a candle, If you forget about me, I`ll burn your frikin house down!
What I lack in good decisions, I make up for in inappropriate behavior.
I don`t hate you, it`s just, if you were on fire. I would roast marshmallows.
Why can’t we all just get a Long Island Iced Tea?
Do watch out for elderly neighbours in the heat wave. They`re liable to trap you for hours and talk about the weather.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Wish there were more love songs about naps and liqour.
Inspirational status: Today’s probably going to suck. Don’t be a little bitch and handle that sh!t.