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Has anyone EVER checked to see how the room or wall behind them looks before taking and posting 50 selfies?!
Your just jealous because u don`t hear the voices.
Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer, & a pregnant girl have in common? In each scenario, there`s a dumb guy who didn`t take it out in time.
"Polar bears can`t jump." - Black bears
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you’re a terrible person and had it coming.
I never said "you were stupid" I said "you are stupid", there`s nothing past tense about it!
Just ONCE I`d like someone to call me "sir" without adding "this is a place of business, please put your pants back on."
The best thing about hand sanitiser is that when you put it on, it looks like you are plotting to take over the world.
There should be a law requiring you to explain what gluten is before you’re allowed to complain about it.
i`m my own therapist...which explains so much.
Want someone to stop texting you? Sleep with them.
I just "borrowed" my neighbors nissan frontier, they make that trick look easier on the commercial
Plumber: you have hard water. Me: you mean like ice?
I like to walk by a chick in slow motion so she thinks i`m the one