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The only way you can be right in an argument with a woman is by admitting you`re wrong.
Lil Wayne is 10% African-American and 90% tattoo.
So my friend is mad at me because I slept with her ex. Her instructions were very clear when they broke up, she said "F*ck that guy!"
I’m an only child, and I’m still not the favorite.
I`m 42 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
If you`re ever held at gun point, just remember, I`m behind you 100%.
The first snow of spring is always the most beautiful
Summer needs to slow the hell down.
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, can burn your a$$ tomorrow.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a "gym."
Roses are red, violets are blue, sandwiches are tasty, rhyming is hard
The only idea worse than New Coke was brown toilet paper...
I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.
How come we can put a man on the moon but we can`t made a smoke alarm that can differentiate between a house fire and cooking sausages?
Curling irons have a warning tag that says “For External Use Only.” Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?