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I saved my husband`s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
I`ve always wondered how the job application process at Hooters works. Do they give you a bra and orange shorts and say, "Here, can you fill these both out"?
Relationship status: my cat won`t sit still for our selfies.
I`ve disappointed a lot of people in my life, you`re not special.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Life`s tough. It`s tougher if you`re stupid...
You know you`re old when all of the bands you listened to growing up have several greatest hits albums.
my friends status was "standing on the edge of a cliff" ... so I poked him
Just a reminder that you don’t have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can`t do is pick up it`s own poop. You`re just a poop collector.
Velcro, what a rip-off!
I hate it when the little voices argue with my imaginary friends.
I want to tell my coworker I have strong feelings for her, but I`m afraid things might get weird if she knows I hate her.
They`re all cop cars when you`re this high.
If someone farts at a poker tournament, no one will ever know who did it.