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I have a condition that prevents me from going on a diet ... I get hungry.
Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.
If there`s one thing that I`ve learned it`s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
wishes life would hand me lemons especially today.. that way I`d have something to throw at the people that are pissing me off
Like medicine, some people should only be allowed to talk in doses. Like 30 sentences three times a day.
Some of these Giraffe profile pictures are a vast improvement.
Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"
When wearing a logo or clever t-shirt, make sure your rack looks good. No one likes reading stuff on a lumpy, wavy surface. You too, ladies.
Just so you know, I am already planning on being an a$$hole tomorrow.
You don`t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn`t use Real dinosaurs.
It really pisses me off when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn’t follow the damn script.
I`ve found a new coping mechanism....................COOKIES!
I wanted to book an Elvis impersonator for a party so I phoned them up and got a call centre. It said `press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.`
I`m glad I don`t work in an office. I can only imagine the smell at lunch time when everybody opens their egg salad sandwiches today.