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Five years ago my boss asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I finally know the answer: Not Here
"Thanks for coming" - sperm bank receptionist.
I thought my name was "Stop encouraging him" until I was 11.
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. I’m always trying to pull a fast one
"I`m only having one" ...said by many, practiced by none.
If you don`t put your leftovers in Tupperware for like at least two weeks before throwing it in the trash... you`re doing it wrong.
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old...
FUN FACT: I can fit 17 Pringles in my mouth. SAD FACT: I tried to figure out how many Pringles I could fit in my mouth.
I got in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich.
So much to do and so few alibis.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it`s considered responsible. But if you do that with your gf, it`s called "cheating."
I don`t know why I think I could survive the Zombie Apocalypse, I cant even handle the puff of air at the eye doctor.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a girl who`s free for the weekend.
Conserve energy: How would you feel if someone turned you on and then left?
When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.