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I`m sorry did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
Just once I`d like someone to call me "sir" without having to add "you need to calm down or we`re going to have to ask you to leave"
The more I drink, the more I realize how much more I still want to drink.
If I ignored you any harder, we`d be married.
As a man I am so thankful I don`t have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.
After 20 yrs of marriage, my best move is to clean something unexpectedly.
It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without violence
I`ll never become mature enough to not laugh out loud when the person in the stall next to me farts so loud it sounds like a volcano just erupted.
It`s like my bank account doesn`t understand me at all.
Yes I admit I am a freak. Now, grab some whip cream, some feathers, handcuffs, blindfold, a whip and follow me into the kitchen.
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
Some days, I practice positive thinking. Other days, I`m not positive I am thinking.
Best thing to do when you`re stuck in a group text is to to throw your phone in the street and start a new life and maybe get some chipotle
Before Walmart you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded lady!
I really think my life would be a lot better if my fitness app would just lower its standards