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I just attempted to wash a paper plate if you wonder how much money I have available.
Time flies when you’re having a drunken blackout.
Yes, I know why you pulled me over. I didn`t see you in your little hiding spot over there, so I couldn`t slow down in time.
I consider anything that doesn`t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Lots of us suffer in silence. You should try it.
Irons are like 1000 degrees, who`s bright idea was it to make an ironing board the flimsiest contraption ever made?
The funniest thing about this Facebook status is by the time you realize it doesn`t say anything important, it`s to late for you to stop reading it ... sucker
I never thought I’d be the kind of person who’d wake up early in the morning to exercise... and I was right.
How does Ice-T order an Iced Tea without sounding like a douche?
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption "it`s cold" could you tell me more about that
The feeling you get when a woman asks you to guess her age is like wondering whether to cut the blue wire or the green wire when defusing a bomb.
None of us have it as bad as the porcupine giving birth to another porcupine.
Get Dora and Boots on this missing plane case now, Dora solves the case everytime
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late