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Make somebody happy today... mind your own business!!!
When you called me a b*tch, did you mean it as an insult or a compliment?
I shouldn`t play with Legos!? It says "Ages 7 & Up". 30 is higher than 7. Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
I`m starting to think that life isn`t worth living anymore and... Oh wait, there`s the bartender now. Nevermind.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
You drink too much, swear too much and your morals are questionable. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.
Paint thinner? I call bullsh!t. I been painting myself with it all week and I`m still fat.
Somebody is out there, somewhere, thinking of the impact you`ve made in their life. It`s not me. I think your an idiot.
I Wonder what Facebook Employees do to waste time at work ?
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, "Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!"
Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk? My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.
Some of you ladies need to ease up on the makeup until we get this clown situation resolved.
Better late than pregnant.