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I used to be able to stay out much later than this. I find I just can’t these days. My phone battery just doesn’t have the stamina any more.
The real reason I`m not a superhero.... Pockets, I need my pockets.
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
Pringles cans should have a twist mechanism like stick deodorant.
To ensure you never cut yourself while chopping vegetables, get a friend to hold the vegetable.
Whenever someone ends their status with "LOL" I know it`s a repost, cuz...who the hell laughs at their own statuses? LMAO!
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she`s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
I`m a crabby a$$ bitch before my coffee ... and after
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated…but can’t pronounce it.
Watch out! It’s quite possible some of my best mistakes haven’t been made yet.
Yes, it`s a bad time. Let me call you back when I`m not feeling so honest.
I was going to change my profile pic to a pumpkin for Halloween, but it didn`t look that much different from my actual head.
You`re really cute, can I suck the life out of you? - women
Youth is wasted on the young.
Some people come into your life as blessings, others come into your life as lessons.