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Girls think that having their period is the most inconvenient thing they can experience. They`ve obviously never dated a girl who was on her period.
If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I`d just laugh and search with them.
Relationship status: I get the remote to myself!
If you watch Intervention backwards, it`s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Ever wanna tell someone to shut the f*ck up even when they are not speaking
I used to think using big words meant you were smart, I was somewhat right but that was before I heard politicians speak.
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders.
You know you are in trouble when your mom screams your whole name.
I`ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
i just fell off a 20ft ladder.. good thing I was on the first step.
And today I learned to never ask a woman how she dye`s her roots black.
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
Marry someone who can cook. Love fades, hunger doesn`t.