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Maybe I`m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Peyton Manning saw his shadow this morning...that means six more weeks of bad Papa Johns commercials.
If you could have all of Bill Gates` money or world peace, what colour would your Lamborghini be?
why are the foods you want eat late at night in loud crackling wrappers?
It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
An arranged marriage is just another way of saying that your parents helped you get laid.
I think you know you’ve got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
I have this empty feeling inside of me. Wait, there`s my drink.
Unless you tripped and smacked your face on the treadmill, no one wants to hear about your workout.
Some people are like eye-candy... I`m more like eye-meatloaf.
A young man gets sent to jail,and gets put into a jail cell with a convict the size of the Incredible Hulk. After lights out, he hears a whisper from the top bunk."Let`s play Mommy and Daddy. Who do you wanna be?" Thinking quick, the man says "daddy." "Then come up here and suck Mommy`s d!ck."
REMEMBER: If you start to hear banjos, get the hell outta there!
Born free. Now, I’m expensive.
You can get away with farting at the zoo because you can always blame the animals...