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If you say "I slept like a baby" in front of me, I`ll ALWAYS assume you woke up every 2 hours, pissed yourself and cried for your mommy.
Someone once said that I should always treat other people how I would like to be treated. Now I`m facing sexual harassment charges.
Like medicine, some people should only be allowed to talk in doses. Like 30 sentences three times a day.
If you were home alone in the middle of the night, and you heard a fart, would you laugh or be scared.
My pet unicorn told me that I was being delusional again. :/
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn`t really think your choice was excellent.
You know what`s the best part about waking up early? Nothing, it sucks!
I’m just SOOO busy. I spend 70% of my day telling people how busy I am and the other 30% trying to make myself look REALLY REALLY busy.
I`m in my 30`s, but I still feel like I`m in my 20`s until I hang out with people in their 20`s and I`m like, "nope, I`m in my 30`s"
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,…Why don’t you ever smile in my pictures?
Alcohol doesn`t get people drunk, people get people drunk. Drunk people get other drunk people extra drunk.
Whenever you feel nobody cares or loves you. You should ask yourself...Am I TOO sexy?
Every pair of panties can be a thong if your a$$ is big enough.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on ... at my desk ... I`m pretty.
wishes that more people would declare thumb wars these days. I`m sure that all this texting has prepared my thumb muscles for battle.