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If only life was as easy as getting fat.
If your job title is head receiver, you know you`re doing something right.
Mrs Bieber.... WHY U NO USE CONDOM?
Is "drunk" an emotion? Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now...
Mom: How are your grades this semester? Me:.... Mom:.... Me: Mother what`s important is that we have our health
I`m going to start looking for the good in all people I meet this year. Except for the a$$holes.
Forecast for tonight: Dark.
You know what’s worse than slow internet? NOTHING.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Screaming out "BOOM PREGNANT!" during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
If you could have one super power would you pick flying, invisibility, or falling asleep without questioning every decision you`ve ever made
I admit ive been known to wrap bacon in bacon just for the extra bacon flavor
When I die I`m going to go to heaven and God is going to be like nope, remember what you said on Facebook
Note to self: stop buying stuff on Ebay when drunk. Anyone need a zamboni?
Coffee shops should have a separate line for people who are late for work.