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I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this...
It`s really ironic that I mostly use my driver`s license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.
I hate when I get to work and I`m at work.
If money cant buy happiness,explain beer!
Babies are so cute because none of them are mine.
Over the weekend I pulled a muscle getting off the couch to fetch more Doritos.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
30 seconds left on the microwave ~ Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone ~ Men: do the space shuttle countdown
I can`t believe that it`s the year 2012, and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
All I want is to see you smile...that and maybe a pizza.
My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo. So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.
Sometimes saying "F*ck it" is the best decision.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: The one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that sh!t.