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My resume is really just a list of all the things I never want to do again.
People of planet Earth, thank your gods that I`m not in charge of the red button.
Today I saw a baby with a bib that said `This dumbass put my cape on backwards.`
OMG ... I hate waiting in lines ... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
Sugar` is the only word in English that starts with `su` and sounds like `sh`. I`m sure of it.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Somebody told me I need adult supervision. I was like "I Know!" It would be awesome to be able to see through walls and shoot lasers out my eyes.
I`ve officially reached the point in my life where the trash goes out on Friday nights way more often than I do.
I`d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!
Guy advice #221: Starting a load of laundry in the washing machine and then starting a load in the dryer counts as `2 loads` - just sayin`!
Tattoos are an expensive and painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification.
Whoever decided to color underpants white was an idiot.
I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.
Every time I see an obese cop, a small part of me hopes he has to chase me.
"Hey bro shotgun this beer" No I don`t drink "You wanna be cool don`t you?" I don`t drink "C`mon NERD!" Grandma PLEASE stop