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Why does the need to pee intensify by million when you are trying to unlock the door to your house.
I think the tie was invented by someone who wanted to express how he felt about work but thought an actual noose was too obvious.
People liking my status from a week ago on Facebook proves that I have stalkers.
Sarcasm is like a good game of chess. Most people don`t know how to play chess.
I was in a bar when a girl called me a cheapskate. So I threw her drink in her face.
Day 8. You should be thankful that I`m medicated
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling "woo hoo", but after that my schedule is wide open
Really don`t see the need for pants for the rest of this day. :)
You know you are getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish-- wait, I just realized I`ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
If you`re feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
I consider "Not Dishwasher Safe" to be more of a challenge than a warning.
Your trophy wife is more of a participation trophy wife, isn`t she?
I wish "You idiot" was an appropriate way to end a work email.
United Airlines was just voted number one in Chinese takeout!