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I’ve come to the realization that the trash goes out more than I do.
Today I seek some truth and fulfilment but I’ll settle for some bacon.
Worrying is a waste of time. It doesn’t change anything. It messes with your mind & steals your happiness.
If intelligent people don’t start having babies as fast as the trash in “honey boo boo”, we’re headed for a very dumb future. Am I the only one that sees this?!
Remember…it’s only embarrassing if you care what people think.
I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.
I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster.
The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake it then you`ve got it made!
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect
Jehovah`s witnesses would probably be welcomed into more houses if they brought booze or cookies.
Let`s drink till this day makes some sort of sense.
The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing
I asked my wife what women really want, she said attentive lovers. Or maybe she said "a tent of lovers." I wasn`t really listening.
I don’t let my friends do stupid things… ALONE!
If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.