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Ask your doctor if walking blindly into traffic is right for you
I`m sorry did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I`m like "That`s enough exercise for today"
My hand is stuck in a Pringles can. I`ll just leave it there. I`m not hiding who I am anymore.
I feel like there should be more breakfast beers on the market.
There are 364 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I miss my ex a lot... but my aim is getting better.
"If Donald Duck doesn`t have to wear pants than neither do I!"- Me getting drunk at Disney World.
Life is about perspective like the sinking of the Titanic was a miracle for the lobsters in the ships kitchen
You`re not unlucky. Bad things happen to you because you`re a dumba$$.
Some people are grateful for the impact you made in their life…. It’s not me, I think you’re a pr!ck.
I swear, if Facebook changes their layout one more time, I’m going to post a status update about it & then use their site as much as always.
Elevator music bothers me on so many levels
The moment you empty your vacuum cleaner is the moment you become a vacuum cleaner.