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When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
All things being considered......half of your friends are below average.
There’s too much blood in my caffeine system
I thought I was on the cash cab show! But turns out I was in a police car and cops hate trivia.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Just got in 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick an ice cube up off the kitchen floor.
I hate when men`s restrooms have no urinals and a bunch of women in them.
Life is a constant battle between my love of food & not wanting to get fat.
The color 9 is my favorite letter.
why waste your brain cells to think of a comment when you can just like someone else`s?
Just saw the first duckface of Spring.
When I see a girl with too much makeup, I just want to use my finger to write "Wash Me" on her face.
Don`t talk about yourself so much... we`ll do that when you leave.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
I just witnessed a co worker eat a cupcake with no frosting ... What kind of devil worshiping nonsense is this?