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It`s impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
I can`t wait for a empty Christmas wrapping paper tube to bonk someone over the head with!
What would I do if I won the lottery? Make Charlie Sheen look like an amateur.
Nothing good has ever come from answering a call from a blocked phone number.
Music that is meant to be played at a reasonable volume is completely pointless.
Didn`t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Not sure what to do with all the daylight we are saving.
Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber were both answers on Jeopardy tonight. The end is near........
Why is it that the instant I buy new chap stick, the old one magically reappears?
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn’t even be nominated.
Speed bumps can turn into speed ramps depending on who`s car I`m borrowing.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
My friend told me his girlfriend talks a lot in her sleep..Apparently "I know" was not the right answer...
Do you think the inventor of the USB will be buried twice? The 2nd time because they put him in the wrong way?