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This Donut-Scented Car Air Freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
There is no such thing as bad luck, there is good luck and life!
Your license plate should be your phone number... So when you drive like a dumbass, I can let you know about it.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
They should make an app that tells me how many Oreos I can eat for every mile I jog.
The guy below me obviously has never seen R2-D2.
My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.
Coffee`s a great way to fool yourself into believing you`re going to have a productive day.
This Christmas, if you plan on jingling, please jingle ALL the way. Nobody likes or respects a half a$$ jingler.
Think about how much more stressful life’s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0))) I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fat bitch know how many chins she has.
Who`s more foolish, a fool or the person who takes a fool`s advice?
I still sing my ABC’s to see which letter comes first.
You ever think that maybe the reason geese are always honking is because they`re flying too close together?
I`m thinking about remodeling my bathroom and thanks to all your selfies I`m getting some great ideas!!.....