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My whole life consists of wondering whether or not to make the sarcastic comment.
Sometimes I miss being in a relationship, but then I look at my wallet and I feel alright again.
Whenever there is an awkward silence try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
Every so often I’ll listen to my wife talk non stop for hours at a time, to remind myself why people wander into traffic without looking.
How many V and M can see
NNNNNMNNNNNNNVVWWWWVWWWWW
Don`t know what to get your husband for Christmas? Whatever you give him, give it to him naked. Problem solved
Coffee is just a hug for your insides.
I still dunno why they say cats have 9 lives. My cat only eats & sleeps all day long. It has no life at all!
I`ve been catfishing my best friend for the last 3 weeks. He`s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I`m showing these emails to his wife.
Dating a single mother.... It`s like continuing from somebody else`s saved game.
Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, poverty can’t buy you anything.
I have high blood pressure, but my dogs don`t. So, from now on I`m only getting upset about squirrels and mailmen.
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked , "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "kindergarten".
If you love something,, let it go..... That`s EXACTLY what I`ve done with my body....