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Remember the good old days when making the “duck face” involved 2 Pringles?
Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook-stalking never updates anything?
Humans pretend to be smart, but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we just developed x-ray vision.
Sluts are just hookers with no grasp of economics.
WOW! This gym thing is a lot harder than it looked on Instagram.
I would like to congratulate my ex`s new boyfriend on giving up blow jobs.
Can I have your number or do you just want the 8 dollars for the drink?
Give a man a jacket, and he will stay warm when he goes outside. Teach a man to jack it, and he won`t go outside at all.
Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing" means it was good.
I just got an email telling me how I can have fuller, firmer breasts. I can`t wait to show them to my wife!!
So, you`re telling me that the Grammys aren`t cute little bags of cocaine?
Being alone with my thoughts can be quite boring unless alcohol is involved
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
People who enjoy life, rarely have a flat stomach.
You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic!