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Perfect relationships exist in thoughts, movies, and Facebook timelines.
It’s amazing how little information I need on someone before I decide I don’t like them.
I really don`t have time for people that don`t find me hilarious.
I’m not stupid. I’m just too lazy to show how smart I am.
Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
I’M ENGAGED…..to be hungover tomorrow.
I dig, she digs, he digs, they dig, we dig. its not a good poem but its really deep.
When I was a teenager, a "selfie" meant something totally different than it does today.
Being fat = Lowers your chance of getting kidnapped.
People would believe everything I say.. if it wasn`t for everything I say.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
I’m still kind of pissed they never told us how to get to Sesame Street.
I think my phone has a Miley virus,It stopped twerking
"Have you ever wondered if the $1 bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper butt? - You`re wondering now!!!"
Based on my reaction to toast popping out of a toaster, I’d like to recommend you never throw me a surprise party.