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Hey, somebody get ready to wake up the guy in Green Day.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig ? The letter F ?
I`m sorry I got salsa on your baby, and I`m extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER... USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN...
Send a man to the store to get 5 items, he will come home with 4. Send a woman to the store to get 5 items she will come home with 54. Its science.
That very akward moment when Shakirah`s hips lie!
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they`re the problem is the other half.
Fact: Pornos aren`t based on actual events.
Lower your expectations and I will totally amaze you.
Just finished building Rome with Legos. Took me a day.
I have nothing!
LIFE HACK: Sneak into doctor`s waiting rooms instead of subscribing to magazines.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I`ll pretend to love it."
If we all had to wear a warning label, what would yours say?