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If you just got invited to do something on New Year`s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.
I am so thankful there is no alert that tells someone how many times I have enlarged their profile pics.
The Hobbit 2: we`ve still got a long way to walk
"i wasn`t that drunk"..Dude!you tied me to a chair and bitch-slapped me,yelling "where`s Harry Potter!!"
I`m sorry I got salsa on your baby, and I`m extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip
The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.
Please, lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won`t spoil me!
Just saw Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter... So that`s how it happened! I knew what I learned in history class was a bunch of crap!
I was going to exercise this morning, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous
what I hate about technology is that even my book ran out of batteries
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
I`m not saying my wife`s voice is annoying, but right now I`m really jealous of deaf people.
Perfect girls are found at every corner of the earth... unfortunately, the earth is round.
Highways need 4 lanes per side - A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane & a "where in the hell am I?" lane.