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If you drink enough, your brain starts photo-shopping people.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I`m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I`m 73.
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.
I was having breakfast at a friend`s house and she said "How do you take your coffee?" I said "Very seriously."
Based on how I react when the toast pops out of the toaster, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume…
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
Golf ball sized hail wouldn`t be as destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller.
Does the Lego movie come with a disclaimer "Some assembly required"?
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there`s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I`m like, that`s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I`m more fun than I actually am
B!tch Please, your only fan is the one on your ceiling.
I always win at chess ... by hitting my opponent with a brick.
It takes about 2.9 seconds for me to go from “this is the best day ever” to “I want to stab every person on planet Earth.”